what if is a really strong word if you combine it all together. you could think about it over over and over again, until who knows when. what would happen if i chose it, what would happen if i decided to go there, what would happen if i didn't let it be that way......and so on. now i'm sitting here and all the thoughts are coming back in my mind. 'i wished i didn't do it'. 'i wished i acted different back there'. 'i wished i can take it back'. 'i wished i can fix that'. among all the decisions that i made in my life, there is one thing, the one i hoped i could change.
I wished I didn't quite my piano lesson.
when I was a kid, like other kids did, my mom put me in many courses. piano, painting, traditional dance, basketball, swimming, sempoa, mathematics, english, drums, vocals, and other things. it's really normal though, it's the kind of ability that most children will have to learn. but when i started to grow up, i can decide what i want, what i like. so i quit the traditional dance, basketball, vocal, and drums but i continued to learn math, swimming, and english because i need that, everyone can do that. and for piano, it's the only course that i enjoy that much.
i started to learn it when i was at the 1st grade elementary school, i went to YPM Manggarai, met my teacher, and started to learn at Pre-Elementary level. then i went to Elementary level, and to level 1, 2, and so on. the highest level there are level 6, then you can continue to learn if you want to be a teacher. everything went great, i enjoyed the time that i spent at the piano, the concerts i joined every year, the awards i get everytime i continued to the next level. then i graduated my Elementary school and went to the junior highschool. my junior highschool is a very busy school, tasks everyday, the school ends in the evening, and i moved from tebet to cipete, which makes it really far from YPM. it's really hard for me to keep up, to balance between my first year at junior highschool where there are a lot of difficult subjects, with my piano course which also getting tougher, i was at level 4 back then. then next year, i moved to level 5, and also to my 2nd grade at junior highschool. i got tired easily, i got angry all the time, my emotions are unstable. and beside that, because i already on the 5th level which is a difficult level where the songs are getting tougher and more complicated, so my piano teacher that already taught me for six years, she couldn't teach me again. she said that i have to find another teacher, because she's not able to teach those levels. 6 years i've learned from her, she really knew what i like, she knew my type of songs, she knew how to make me feel the melody of the songs, she really could handle me. but however, i changed to another teacher, he's a serious man that i barely even heard of before. he gave me lot of tough songs, and didn't even teach me before, didn't let me watch him play the whole it for me. one of my favourite moment is watching my teacher, my old teacher, played the song. it gave me inspiration, it showed me how the song should played, it amazed me. and the songs that he gave me, it's not my type. i like a cheerful song, but i can also do a slow sad song. he just didn't understand that well. months passed by and i couldn't help it. i quit from the piano lesson. not quit legally, mostly like i just disappeard. i already paid for the whole year, but i couldn't take it back, and truth is i couldn't quit in the middle of the level just like that. i let my teacher knew about my disappearance but he didn't even tried to talk to me, to persuade me or anything.
so that what brings me here. if only i didn't quite, maybe i would have become a professional teacher by now. if only i managed to hold on a little bit longer, maybe i would become a pianist. if only i didn't just disappear like that, maybe i already graduated from there years ago. if only i had the courage to ask to change to other teacher, if only i acted calmer, if only i didn't give up that easy, fffffffffffffffffffffu no matter how many times i rethink it it just make me feel even worse. the only thing that i can be proud of is this. i didn't do arts, i didn't dance, i didn't paint, i have nothing to be proud of. after i quit it years ago, i didn't study anything. well i played football, i played guitar, but i didn't learn it until i mastered it, until i finished. so it left me with nothing.
sometimes i want to learn it all over again, i tried to apply to YPM months ago. and i can't just continue my 5th level, i have to repeat my 4th level first. i really wanted to do it, but i'm on my 2nd grade, next year i'm going to study real hard, and go to college. there's just not enough time, and it's really too late to find another ability to learn at this time. i also wanted to meet my old teacher, see how she's doing. she really affect my childhood time, there's this parfume that she gave for me on my birthday and i barely even wear it because i want to keep it longer. the last news that i heard is that she's married. but i really don't know how to contact her. i don't know what had she heard about me, i just feel bad for quitting because after all she's the one who has been teaching me. from the very first time i started to read the note, i started to learn the rhytm, i started to learn the melody and how to play it, she's the one who makes me enjoy playing. fffffffffffffffffu i miss it.
i never really played after i quit, for like a year. however there are some songs that are stuck in my head, i memorized it all, i memorized many songs because my teacher always told me that it's better to remember it because you don't have to depend on those papers. but there are 5 songs, my favourites after six years, even if i was at school i often played my fingers at the table, imagine i was playing at the piano. there is this particular song that i know back then is my teacher's favourite. she really digs me into the song, every little details every melody, i knew she really wants me to play it perfectly. and i did. so this evening, i tried to play again. i played my favourite song, my teacher's favourite one, and other songs as well. i felt happy, it felt nice to play again. and i played like i never played before.
well, hello little pianist. i miss you.
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